President Trump Signs Executive Order Replacing Food Stamps with Amazon Fresh Gift Cards

by S. Allen

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a monumental decision, President Trump signs an executive order that will save the American taxpayer over $80 per household. Effective July 4th, 2025, all SNAP eligible households will transition to using Amazon Fresh credits en lieu of their usual EBT cards. Households of 4 members or less will receive $50 weekly (an additional $2.50 per member in larger households) in the form of a redeemable code delivered via automated direct messages powered by Grok on X.com, the everything website. This amount qualifies recipients for the free-shipping minimum. 

In a statement released by the White House, the President has this to say, “Look, these people — you go to the grocery store, they’re holding up the line looking for these cards. And then, they finally find the thing... you know, these cards, they’re so small. That’s why they’re always losing them. That’s why I like cash. Or a check, you remember checks? I like checks, they’re big, hard to lose. Not like the food stamp cards, and you can’t write on those, that’s the best part about the checks is you can write on them and then you have a carbon copy. But not anymore, everyone has Bitcoins now, they’re all on their computers now. That’s why we’re doing this thing with Jeff, because everyone is on websites, and he has this thing now — can you believe it? — where you can get groceries, it comes right to your house, you choose what you want to eat and they bring it right to your door. So we’re doing it this way because he tells me it reaches a lot of people and we’re gonna save people a lot of money since we won’t have to make the cards. And the Democrats they say ‘He doesn’t care about the environment’, but they’re giving everybody pieces of plastic, they hate the Earth!”

As DOGE and the Trump administration continue to ideate creative ways to slash funds, American can expect to see similar de facto privatizations of other services. Analysts foresee changes to the post office on horizon in the wake of statements made by the President earlier this year.

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